you're not god. you don't get to play god. i can please her all you fucking want. i just hope that you don't screw her up like you did me. yeah, I'm selfish. but thats just because I've been taught to watch everything i own with my life becuase if i dont its gone. i can give her eveything she wants i just hope you're fine with having a carbon copy of me. fuck you. i can never be right in your eyes. i dont even know why i try.

Selfishness and Jealousy are two very vicious cycles.

Goodbye

There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. And people we can't live without, but have to let go.

Breathe.
Accept.
Learn.
Let go.

06. 21. 2013
Lots and lots of love,
Chloe

Dysfunction

I'm convinced that a miniscule part of the definition of a family is dysfuntction. Maybe it's just my experience in life but it seems to always appear. Recently, I had the chance to look back and really realize that the waters had calmed tremendously from what they once were. Today, I sit here wishing things could stay calm forever. In the past year, I have witnessed probably the most smiles and happiness in one collective period of time. That's not to say there hasn't been the share of tears and commotion but more in comparison.

A big problem we have is our personal morales towards the family. Given the age gap, things were taught differently and coincidently we turned out differently. We took seperate things for granted, we listened to and respected different people, and we responded to and judged things differently.

I don't know where I want to go with this...hopefully, the answers to our problems will unravel themselves, fix themselves and judgment can be converted into happiness.

내가 길을 줘서 미안 해요.
미안 해요.

The night before hell week starts, literally minutes before the day of my first couple of finals I find myself pulled into a conversation (not so much) with my abuji that somehow but inevitably ends up being about me, the things I do and my future. Great timing like always. Exams start tomorrow and ...... "Don't fuck up your life now!" It's just great to have pressure on top of pressure ya know? Before, my mind was going, "fuckfuckfuckfuckity imsoscrewed" and now "FUCKITYFUCKMYLIFE".
Ugh how why am I such a mess?

I was already getting to that point today where I just felt so sick of studying which really sucks. Guess I'll make up for it by gunnin' through the night. No way I'm going to make it all the way but for the most part. Ugh. Truly scared for socio but saying that wont help anything.
~Toodles.

Music Therapy

Just some good songs to make my days a little better. Nothing else. Have been obsessing over a couple of ones I really fell for.

Pink ft Nate Ruess

Just Give Me a Reason

Baek Ji Young

Don't Forget

Went back to some really old amazing stuff couple days ago. 

Cascada

Everytime We Touch

Shakira

Hips Don't Lie

And just for kicks, no 90s child should live life without having watched this official mv ;) i've missed out!

S Club 7

S Club Party

"Cause I'm just another girl, whose tired of being lonely.
Cause I'm just another girl, whose tired of it all. "

<3 

My wise two cents for the night

Stop and ask yourself how you've made it this far and you'll suddenly realize you are not alone.
- Romany Malco

You are not alone, somewhere on Earth there is someone that feels the exact same way you do. Believing makes you stronger, heal faster, and a better person. Don't let it get the best of you.
- Anonymous

Enough to get me through the night and through tomorrow. 😎S'all I need. :) leggo.

Life's a draaaag

When you've been battered and trolled enough, respect slowly slips. In order to regain you're "righteous" respect you've got to earn it. How do you have the balls to question how I act when you should know exactly the reason why? Look around you. This isn't you're world. Reality is what it is and you can't control it. I'll let you fuck with me but get in my fucking way, bash me hard enough and I'll jump ship. One way or the other. You don't attempt to fucking talk to me so why should I? Maybe you just don't realize it ( and if I really put some thought into it, i guess you really don't) but for the most part, I try pretty hard to care. I'm not perfect if you've never noticed and I will never fit your definition of the word. I will pull myself out of this shit hole for you to see. I don't know if I'll make it out of here but I'll try. Because you're not supposed to be the one to judge. At least not without support. I'm not ungrateful for the financial support. No, I can't be. I'm just not the smartest of the bunch. Why can't you just accept that. Take it for what it is? 

I got asked yesterday if I like the fact that I stayed instead of going away. Truthfully, if I got another chance, I'd leave. In a heartbeat. I've lived like this for long enough. 

It's not like I expected something to change and honestly I haven't changed but I'm a person too. That should count for something shouldn't it?

But in order to fix things, I'll shake it off for now. Avoid things that get in my way. Take it how you want because I no longer care. I will set out to be what I want to be, I can tell you that much. You can bash me, you can troll me, you can doubt me. But if I don't make it, I'll make it somewhere else and you can be disappointed for all I care. Just remember you raised me; ask yourself if you did enough and don't worry about letting me know. Cause if you imagined someone else in my place all along then you might as well find whoever it is and replace me. 

Right, I forgot you don't care about shit. You just care that I don't spend every waking millisecond studying my ass of to be picture perfect for you. You tell me it's not for you, it shouldn't be for you but then you tell me to aim for perfect. What happens if I don't want perfect? What then? Do I fail you? No. Then, my standards aren't high enough and that's wrong. To who?? You!
I'm so fuckin screwed and I know it. I don't need you to rub it in my face.

The Week in Between Hell

Over dramatic? Eh, maybe. 

In recent news: Didn't throw $300 (from someone else's pocket) into the big ocean which is not bad and unexpected. However, I'm starring at a pretty blank screen 10hrs before this paper's due with 50/250 words down. Pretty good achievement seeing as I started tonight and been having the need to pop advils but not so good overall. Especially night before the first day back. Taken me about a millisecond in between yt videos to realize that a week has gone by and I have done absolutely nothing related to school. So much for heading towards the smart people boat. *sigh

Week went a little like:

Skipped a whole lot of classes, watched Bourne Legacy, went out for dinner for Popo's bday( and ended up with 2 giant cakes), worked and then worked some more, watched Skyfall and then rewatched Avengers, taught rball, went grocery shopping (1pm Costco hotdog meal "brunch" followed by Samurai girl date), tried Cyclefit for the first time,  went to hot yoga, stuffed myself full of raw everything at Tomo with a crew of really awesome people (and then had cake), cooked fat attack dinner, dined on fat attack dinner with awesome cousins, played a new board game (Survive), played with sparklers, went to work again (and had a pretty good time), and procrastinated a whole shittin lot. 

Not necessarily in that order cuz god knows I've got next to no short term memory but you get the point. Didn't work out a whole lot. Saw a whole lot of family. Ate a lot of Japanese food and got really really fat. However, I also discovered Cyclefit so as long as I fit that into my schedule and stay a float I should be fine right?

We'll see.

Back to that word count!

Haven't visited for a while..

Which I guess is technically kind of a good thing....
Socio midterm tmr which I am not ready for. /: Heading to bed anyways though after a day of fucking around because I need to. Highly doubt that I can avoid it but fingers crossed I don't get raped.
Been getting pulled into a warp it seems; like a black hole. Got to change things. Two big goals: control my bingeing and control my useless web-ing (mainly fuckin YouTube). :@ ruining my life.

There is no easy, just life. Fuckin deal with it.

On the brighter side, CNY coming up! Weekend after midterm calls for good food, bio notes, Batman and Bond, and hopefully some snow!

Zzzz
P.s thought I'd add some color.

Falling apart, slowly crumbling to pieces

Coffee in the afternoon kills. Good thing I don't have class tmr. Bad thing I intend(ed) to get up early.

Things are really beginning to settle in for me. Time to pick up my horse shit and get my life together. And not just all talk and no action. Strictly action. There are too many people I have to prove wrong and too many people standing behind me waiting for me to shine. It will be hard but fuck it, I will get through to the other side. Just like Eminem, "I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably
And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony

No if, ands, or buts."

Done.

好心被雷劈

Studying for my bio midterm tomorrow. Pretty scared for it because it's 15 multiple choice questions long.

Fucking hell. As if things couldn't just go from bad to worse. I seem like I'm under a lot of fucking pressure when you talk to me?? News Flash! I am in a lot of pressure!

Screw up?

Big time.

Despite all the dark, I'm "Still Alive"

Should be sleeping but had to document the trippiness of my day. Went out looking poopy cuz my hair was acting up and I slept in and missed my first actual lab. -.- went to study but ended up buying a pair of shoes for cheap and a book for my sister first. Didn't get much done but ran into possible every person that I would never in a million years guess I would bump into at that place and time. Yes I'm a little mind blown because it was just the oddest mix and almost literally one after another. A friend's ex, and old baller friend, the action kids brat, my ex rballers dad, Tak and his family!??? The fuck. So random. I probably should have said I but I was kind of in shock. It was weird. I want to meet his kids ): Anywhoozies, that was pretty random. Time for bed... Almost.

*apopt the prone position, ready, aim, fire*

Fuck. Why do I always make it so that in the end I just feel like I should quit?? Uhhh I want to fucking quit. But to throw everything down the drain just like that? How the fuck did I become someone who could do just that??
~
People with less than me can do better. What the fuck.

It's not ok.

When did I decide that it was okay to throw my life away?
When did I decide that I don't have to care?
Why am I the first to jump the fun gun and put everything else that matters behind it?
When did I become this person who can take so easily?
When did I become so naive?
When is it my turn to grow up and mean something?

When you fall down, you pick yourself back up. But what if your forever falling?

Fuck gravity. GET THE FUCK UP!

*zombie apocalypse: wave 9000. ready, aim, fire.*

Cvc Snowstorm Jan 4-6, 2013

Big White, Kewlona

Unfortunately, back to the same old shitty shit

UBC CVC Snowstorm 2013

Ski trip/ Mass party

Hella fun. Quite worth it. Feeling like the first time I ever hardcore legit partied. I think having the place to drink and party is key. Hella fun need I say more. 

But back home now. Same old shit winding down. Shit facing me. 

Will add more later. Don't even know how I'm going to catch up for tmr. Fuck.

Christmas time is near!

*obvs late and out dated and neglected but you get the point.