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“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

Amen

Nov. 17, 2012

Is it wrong for me to be there? Beside her. Is it not recognizable that I could be worried sick too? I didn't take work off so that I could be stuck at home babysitting. Think I might drive myself crazy.

There's a time for everything. But I really really don't want it to be time for this. I got filled in this morning cuz I got up pretty late. I had vaguely heard dad leaving for the hospital in my sleep. Got to the ER around 2:30, 3ish maybe. Doc came around to have the talk. And it just hit. This may be it. 

And I know I can't think like that because mom already does out loud too but I can't help it you know? Everything has changed and they'll never ever be the same. And I really don't want to accept that. or whatever else. What it would do to the people around me is unthinkable. 

Dad called before they left and it sounded like there was a possibility she was waking up. What if I don't get to see her with her eyes open ever again? or hear her? God, what is wrong with me? ugh. I'd just fucking like to be there. 

But no. Chloe, she'll be fine. She'll make it through this one. She deserves it. Her kids and their kids deserve it. Don't worry. 

But that's the problem: I can't.

Who the hell are you??
You made me. Why don't you know a fucking thing about me? What gives you the right to say what you like about me? What gives you the right to think what you like about me?

I'd make a good zombie

Rough day, rough patch, rough life.

Mama, please get better.